The National Enquirer has the details of what the tabloid dubs its "exhaustive" and "extensive" probe of Sarah Palin's extramarital dalliance this week. It was not with that guy who had his divorce papers sealed, but with a city council member in nearby Palmer (pop: smaller than Wasilla) they say! And from the looks of his facial hair, he is a total Toddpelganger.* It went down in the nineties, when David Foster Wallace and Elizabeth Wurtzel were an item, and it involved: snowmobiles, remote cabins, polygraphs, declarations of love, small-town politics and another one of those wackjob ex-brothers-in-law that are such a rich natural resource in Alaska. Full story after the jump! Okay, Brad Hanson. Born in Montana, he grew up in small town Alaska, was a high school jock and is basically the exact same as Todd Palin down to the facial hair but not nearly as totally awesome, which sort of stands to reason why Palin would fall in love with him. A supporter of strip malls and self-professed enemy of "small-town charm" the Palmer football/hockey coach and property developer bonded with Todd over sports and hunting-type activities and ran a snowmobile dealership together until Todd discovered Brad and Sarah had been bonding, according to the Enquirer, over a shared interest in politics.
The Enquirer says Sarah Palin told friends the relationship was never "consummated" but you know how they get around that in Islam.
Here's their evidence:
1. This guy they picture, Jim Burdett. He's the ex-con former brother-in-law of Brad Hanson's wife Carolyn's brother Craig Bratton, and boy is he a piece of work. Served three years in some unspecified clink for some sort of "theft," he filed for bankruptcy in 2001, he supposedly "turned his life around" and now "speaks regularly with family members" — that may change! — and says that everyone always knew Brad had had an affair but that it wasn't until recently that word went down the family pipeline that the affair had been with Sarah Palin, and that if the Enquirer came calling they had better deny that the affair had been with Sarah Palin. Just to make sure, the Enquirer strapped him to a polygraph and he passed with flying colors.
2. When the Enquirer initially called the Hanson household, Carolyn reportedly said: "I would prefer not to talk about it. It's a nonissue." Then she hung up. Then she called back. And then said, "There is absolutely no truth to this story. It is a complete rumor."
3. Than Brad got on the phone and said, hilariously: "Todd and I are still friends. We own a cabin together. I talked to him four times this week. Does that sound like there was a disagreement?" Um, I have had boyfriends I didn't talk to on the phone four times in a week unless something was SERIOUSLY UP so yeah.
1. Brad owns a cabin with Todd. Todd also owns a cabin with that other guy with the sealed divorce papers, Scott Richter. The Palins are looking like the Treasury Department with all those ownership stakes in the housing market!
2. Unless it's the same house, in which case, with the affairs and divorces and procreation and prescription pill-popping and Divine Energy Policy Intervention going down, that house is more zeitgeisty than the Real World house circa 1992!
3. I hated the movie American Beauty, so why can I not get it out of my mind with this crew?
4. Sigh, speaking of, as Wonkette pointed out, Peggy Noonan sorta said it best about these scandals back on Friday. Yeah, we will bite on this, of course we will bite, but our teeth are sure getting rotten from the attention deficit drugs..
*What is it with these politicians who cheat on their spouses with people who are like the spitting image of their spouses? Like, they have a "spouse complex." Remember Vicky Iseman?
I admit I admire former presidents John F. Kennedy and Franklin Roosevelt and also voted for Bill Clinton in 1996 (wasn't old enough in 1992), and all three of them had mistresses...however...none of them promoted family values. Also Sarah was a month preggers with Track when she married Todd, and Track's paternity is in question as well. Track looks a lot like family friend Curtis Menard Jr and not much like Todd and Sarah.
Track and Curtis Menard Jr.
Track and Linda Menard, Curtis Jr.'s mother
Thanks to Palingates.blogspot.com for posting these pics.